Answers and Questions

“Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.”

E.E. Cummings

I've always hated the idiom "curiosity killed the cat." While it's origins might be have some legitimacy based on the dangers of unnecessary investigation and experimentation, my qualms are rooted in the ill-defined and highly subjective word of 'unnecessary.' As a result. the phrase serves less of a caution to the unnecessary and more of a condemnation to being curious. 

Now I will admit, I am biased. My aversion to this rhetoric stems from my own inherent and unshakable curiosity. The statement therefore insinuates that a large part of me is "wrong," so of course I am not a fan. That said, and as I have mentioned before, I wholeheartedly believe that questions are where our unique opinions start and how we understand different perspectives.

What I want to add to that viewpoint is that while asking questions is great, simply imploring you to "ask the hard questions" is like me telling you to run a marathon. The basics seem so easy: just put one foot in-front of the other. But to run well, it takes technique, skill and practice. In the same way, learning to ask questions well doesn't come without practice; it is a skill that is acquired.

To be clear, while I agree that there are no dumb questions, all questions aren't equal. Some questions are better than others.  And while it sometimes takes 'dumb' questions in order to get to better questions, make no mistake that the 'dumb' questions don't just magically turn into better ones. It is the combination of questioning at great volume paired with layering depth to each question to obtain truly insightful answers.

One method that I learned from from reading A More Beautiful Question by Warren Berger is the "five why" method, which I lovingly think of as the 'toddler method.' It is simple: after your initial question, ask "why?" five times after each answer. For example, if a college student asks themselves "why didn't I make an 'A' on that test?" the answer might be "I didn't study." Normally, people stop there. They didn't do well because they didn't study; so next time, study. So simple! Except that isn't always the case. It could be something more similar to this:

• Why didn't I make an 'A' on that test? I didn't study.

• Why? I didn't have the time.

• Why? I didn't get home from work until 12:00 am.

• Why? I needed the extra money to pay for rent.

• Why? I am two months behind on rent.

• Why? I am renting an apartment that I cannot afford.

Now we are talking about something completely different. The problem isn't studying at all. And until the actual problem is fixed, it will likely be hard ever to make a real change.  Sometimes, it only takes three 'whys', and sometimes it takes ten, but the point is to keep probing until you get to the root of the answers.

Another method I use is simply restating questions or expanding upon them to distill answers into actionable steps.  In the example below, I start with one of the most referenced questions in society (and in my opinion, a dumb question), and change it into an internal dialog that might lead to having a more meaningful life.

1. What is the meaning of life?

2. What is meaningful in my life?

3. What makes them meaningful?

4. What other things have similar characteristics?

5. How can I add these things to my life?

These are just two of what I am sure are hundreds (if not thousands) of methods, but my point is that inquisition is how we understand what is actually happening.

In my experience, answers are a commodity. If you haven't found the answer you are looking for, you probably aren't asking the right question.  So instead of searching for answers, search for questions. And don't just search for any question, search for a more beautiful one.

P.S. I wish someone would have asked five "why?" the first time someone said "curiosity killed the cat."  Maybe there was once a wolf named Curiosity.

Rewriting your life’s rules

"Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be."

Shonda Rhimes

This is a very special guest post from your mom:

My whole life I have tried to play by the rules of a game that somebody else has written for me. In doing so, I was told, you will achieve success. But the part I never understood was what if success isn't necessarily the same for everyone. What if it happens to look differently for me then it does for the person sitting next to me. We are all told to follow the same rules but yet are we all playing the same game? 

In spite of my reservations, this game was all I knew and so I relentlessly pursued this idea of being just like everybody else. Of defining myself by external factors that were set out for me.  I thought if I acted a certain way, dressed a certain way, and valued certain things, I would be just like everyone else and I would be happy.

Yet somehow I always felt myself falling short of reaching goals that were set out for me by others. And I struggled with confusion and frustration. It looked so easy for everyone else, why wasn't it so easy for me? 

As I grew older, an extraordinary thing happened, I learned how to play the game. Suddenly I was wearing the right clothes, I knew just the right thing to say, and I could honestly say I was "winning" at this game I had struggled my whole life to play. I was busy being exactly who I was supposed to be (and having a lot of fun doing it) yet I wasn't being me. 
And for the first time I realized it wasn't that I couldn't win at this game, it was just that I didn't want to. So I had a choice, I could continue to exhaust myself trying to fit into this definition of who other people thought I should be, or I could let it all go and not just write my own rules, but redefine the game. 

You will have so many people in your life who want to define you and who will feel uncomfortable with the fact that you don't neatly fit into one box or another and I know this will not be easy. But while I was taught that there is only one path to follow, your dad and I believe that there are multiple paths that you can choose. 

We believe that there are many different roads that can each lead to happiness, success and fulfillment but nobody can choose that path for you.

If I could only teach you one lesson, it would be don't let other people define who you are. Everybody has a different idea of what is right or wrong based on their own personality, culture, race, religion, economic status, and family background. Don't spend precious time and energy worrying about whether or not you are living up to somebody else's idea of what life is supposed to be. Figure out who you want to be and strive to become the best version of yourself. And no matter what you decide (and even if we don't always agree) your dad and I will support you, stand by you, and love you no matter what.

Do good

"To be doing good deeds is man's most glorious task."

Sophocles 

There are a couple lines in a show that I watched as a child, Boy Meets World, that always resonated with me:

Mr. Feeny: Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.

Topanga: Don't you mean "do well?"

Mr. Feeny: No, I mean "do good."

For background, Mr. Feeny was a teacher, mentor, and role model for the children in the show (including Topanga). The show itself was the typical children's sit-com with each episode culminating with a lesson.  I loved this show and watched almost every episode.  I must have watched more than a hundred lessons through the show and this one was the one that stuck with me.  This is the one that I remembered.

Why? Because those three lines have the ability to succinctly emphasis that it is more important to "do good" than to "do well." And this distinction is one that I rarely see vocalized.

Imagine you are sitting in a room surrounded by a hundred screens.  All of the screens are on, all of them playing something different.  The volume on each device is at different levels and the screens are different sizes.  You try to hear what each has to say, but naturally you gravitate to the biggest screen with the loudest volume.

This post is me trying to turn off every screen besides one.  It just so happens to be one of the smallest and tuned to the lowest volume.  This post is about trying to talk about a distinction that doesn't get enough play time.

Throughout my life, I have always been pushed to "do well."  Whether it was school or work, the message is the same: "be successful." But when they said that, they really meant "get an A+!" and "get a great evaluation!"

To be clear, I am not trying to convince you to flunk out of school or get fired.  I'm not proclaiming that "doing well" is bad.  

What I am saying is that at some point people stop encouraging you to dream.  At some point, people stop encouraging you to try new things.  And at some point, people stop encouraging you to "do good." And when those points come, and when the largest and loudest "screens" are telling you to forget everything else and focus on acing that test, remember there is more to life than being valedictorian or getting promoted.

Side tangent: I absolutely hate talking about values.  While I think they are extremely important to have, I hate the notion that if I have a value that someone doesn't, that they are in some way a worse person.  That isn't true.  Values make up who a person is and what they believe in, but they do not make you or another person in any way superior than another.

With that said, I believe wholeheartedly that I have a responsibility to leave the earth a better place than I received it.  I don't have any scientific evidence or proof as to why I think this is so important, it is simply a value that is instilled in me.

I mention this because even if you don't share this value, I don't want you to dismiss this idea.  I would still encourage you to "do good." If you aren't doing it because of a value, do it for you.  It has the ability to provide a level of warmth and perspective that you will be hard pressed to find anywhere else.

For me, "doing good" opened a whole new room of proverbial screens.  It introduced me to perspectives that were incredibly alien to the bubble that had become my world.  Those perspectives humbled me, they helped me better understand how much more good this world needs, and most importantly showed me how relatively easy I could help.

The "results" of good deeds are the most powerful.  Whether it is a person's smile or a transformed habitat, each had the remarkable ability to directly connect to my heartstrings and metaphorically yank me out of just about any funk.  It is incredibly gratifying.

And while my contributions to date aren't nearly what they could or should be, I am infinitely more proud of the moments where I helped make society better than any "A+" or outstanding evaluation I ever received.

So while it might not always be playing on the largest screen in your life, please never forget to prioritize "doing good."