Lessons from the kid: The power of empathy

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." 

Angela Schwindt

When you were three, Mom and I sat with you in your playroom. There wasn’t anything magical about that day—no special date or occasion that I can remember. But I do remember Mom and I having a disagreement. We had promised never to have full-blown arguments in front of you, so I know it was relatively mild. But after a few tense words, Mom left the room to keep it from escalating.

As soon as she left, you came over to me, pointing out the window. Your small hand stretched beyond the sill, past the lawn, toward a flower bed near our neighbor's fence. You were showing me a cluster of sunflowers, their yellow petals turned toward the sun.

“Dad, you see those flowers over there?”

“Yes, Lyla, I see them. What about them?”

“Did you know that each one needs a different amount of sun and water to grow?”

“I suppose that’s true,” I said, curious where this was going.

“Well, Dad, you and Mom are like flowers. You need different amounts of sun and light, but you’ll still both grow into flowers.”

It stopped me in my tracks—how you, at just three years old, managed to see through the disagreement and offer an analogy that would take most adults a lifetime to come up with.

That night, I asked Mom if she’d shared that thought with you, but she hadn’t. To this day, we still don’t know where it came from.

What I do know is that your ability, even at that young age, to see through emotions and offer such deep wisdom is a gift. As an eight-year-old now, your emotional intelligence is even more incredible. I had to study and practice emotional intelligence before I felt confident in how to connect with others. Yet here you were at three, showing me how it’s done.

I’m writing these lessons for you, but I realize how much you’ve already taught me. As you get older, you might forget some of the things you’ve naturally known all along—and that’s okay. Sometimes we need to relearn what we already know. But never forget who you are, Lyla. Trust your instincts, your intuition, and never hesitate to guide others, just as you’ve guided me.

We must do something when we have the power to do so

“If you know something is morally reprehensible, then it is your moral obligation to stop it as soon as possible. “

Jane Velez-Mitchell

I have the opposite of a photogenic memory.  I have trouble memorizing, or even remembering details, names, and people.  But despite that, there are random things throughout my life that I have memorized.  Those things that I’m not even “recalling,” they’re just always there at the tip of my brain.

I love to sing. It’s therapeutic; it’s a creative expression; it somehow allows me to be completely present while getting lost in memories tied to songs.

The first “non-kid” song I remember memorizing, learning every lyric, and became permanently lodged into my brain was I’m proud to be an American by Lee Greenwood.  I learned it for an audition in third grade to get into an enriched music program, which at the time was a big deal to me.  I didn’t pick the song, my mom did. I loved every one of the countless hours I practiced that song with my mom, and my audition was a success as I got into the program. And since then, that song has been a part of me. Not just because it brings me back to those memories, but because I also love America.  I love the opportunity it gave both of my parents, who weren’t born here. I love that it has allowed me to be fortunate, grow, and live in a way that I don’t know I would be able to in another country.

A friend of mine recently publicly shared how proud she is of who she is, her heritage, her bi-racial ethnicity, her family.  She shared the confidence she has for herself was, at a young age, instilled in her by her parents.  It struck me, because I feel so privileged that the same kind of self-worth I have for myself was ingrained in me by my parents.  The same type of self-esteem and pride that I hope to instill within you, for you.

But this morning in the shower, as I was getting lost in the songs I was singing, I had a physical reaction as I, through routine, started singing I’m proud to be an American.  I stopped five words into the chorus. I couldn’t finish singing the sixth word.

At that moment, I tried to reconcile my feelings. There were two competing feelings: disappointment in the America that I love, and fear.

Why the fear? Despite being born here, despite being nothing short of 100% American, I know that as a person of South Asian descent, if I criticize America, a natural response for too many people my country is to tell me to “go back to” one that is foreign to me.

And as I reconciled that realization, those emotions faded, and defiance was all that was left. Even needing to think about holding back my feelings. To be scared of fellows Americans questioning my eligibility, my belonging, my right to be here is everything wrong with my country.

I am an American, but at this moment, and in so many others over the years, I am not proud to be one.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, because I, we, are part of this country, despite what anyone says. We have the power to do something.  We, as Americans, are obligated to defend the rights, humanity, and the people of this country.

Most of the time, I’m writing about how I can support you, but even though you will experience racism, you are fortunate for the mild racism you will experience.  It doesn’t dismiss the pain that you will feel or the pain that I have felt at the hand of racism, but we must contextualize our pain compared to others.  Right now, others need us. In the future, others will need us. I need to do more to help our black friends and even our non-friends, because we are all humans and deserve to be treated fairly.

I have a crushing feeling that when you are old enough to read this, more will be needed. Learn what you can do, and when you can, do something to help too. Anything. Everything you can.

In the meantime, until I die, I will do what I can too.

To be seen

"There is nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen"

Brene Brown

Another very special post from your mom:

I'm writing this to you on my last Valentine's Day before becoming a parent and it seems especially appropriate because to me this holiday should never have been about just hearts, chocolates and flowers. If anything it should be a time to express gratitude for all the people in your life that you love whether that's romantic relationships, family or friends and to focus on what that love means, not just one day of the year but every day after.

One of the greatest acts of love and trust is to allow someone to see you, really see you at your worst and accept you anyway. For me, that person is your dad and he has brought so much joy into my life by not just accepting my flaws but loving me more for them.

This is a gift we hope you will give us, allowing us to see the full picture of who you are and understanding that showing us your imperfections won't make us love you any less, in fact it will make us love you more.

We hope you will learn a lesson that hasn't come so easily for me which is that you can trust others with your heart and you can trust that even if you do get hurt or make a mistake, you will have been a better and braver person for it. By allowing yourself to push past the discomfort and fear and truly be seen, you will open up a world of possibilities. And if you do get hurt, know that we will be there to catch you when you fall.

At the end of the day, the greatest message we hope to impart is that the first step towards being vulnerable and brave is to truly love yourself. This is something that you and I will be learning together as it is a daily challenge to remind myself that perfection is not the goal, but authenticity is.

Don't just highlight your strengths, embrace your weaknesses and understand that everyone has them. It is first and foremost your job to love yourself, not just in spite of them but because of them and because they make you who you are. And once you are able to truly see yourself from every possible angle, and love yourself more because of it, that will be the greatest gift of all.