Racisms effect on mindset — From Father, To Kid

"People know about the Klan and the overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you."

Samuel L. Jackson

Previously, I wrote about the reality of racism. The post, like the subject of racism itself, comes across as depressing, sad, and frustrating. After all, a reality that exists where you will be treated differently due to something that is completely outside of your control is a difficult pill to swallow. But one thing that I alluded to in my previous post is what I think is the worst part of racism, and that is that in all of the examples I mentioned, there is no actual evidence of racism. It's not like someone attacked me, no one yelled racial slurs at me, nothing actually happened.

It is the part of racism that I personally struggle with the most. Significant physical harm aside, I would much rather people be overtly racist against me. Why? Because then I know where they stand and it provides me with information to understand how I should proceed in that specific situation. Without that knowledge, I am left wondering if something happened because of racism or a hundred other reasons. And maybe the other hundred possible reasons are legitimate. But if it is racism, it is never legitimate, and something needs to be said or done.

The challenge is that without an racial slur being said, without an ignorant rant taking place, how am I supposed to know if I should react, take a stand or prepare myself? That curiosity, that wonder, is what has created my own internal struggle.

This isn't a perfect analogy, but imagine you were allergic to peanuts and living in a word that had no ingredient labels and no ability to check if someone cooked using peanuts.

Imagine you discovered this allergy was a problem because you ate a single peanut. Now, while that single peanut didn't cause you a significant amount of harm, you experienced enough to know it isn't something you want to mess with, especially not in large quantities. Pushing further, you hear stories, real stories, of other people with peanut allergies. These people ended up eating a whole bag of peanuts and experienced terrible consequences, sometimes even fatally.

Knowing that you and peanuts aren't going to get along, you also know that peanuts exist and even worse, you know that there are lots of companies who use peanuts to make foods, but never disclose it.

So one day you decide to sit down for lunch and immediately afterwards, you feel the exact discomfort you felt the first time you tried that single peanut. The restaurant claimed to be peanut free, so you thought you were completely safe. That is, until you felt that discomfort. You ask the server if there are any peanuts in the food and they say "no, of course not, we are a peanut free establishment." But you know what you are feeling. You start to think about it more, and then more, and then you realize, well... maybe the chicken just wasn't cooked fully through or maybe it was my drink? Then you go back to that feeling. You know what you are feeling. But then you go back to the idea that it could have been anything... are you really going to call the server a liar without any actual evidence? Maybe you want to let it go, after all you only experienced a little discomfort, and again it could be anything, so how can you do anything besides letting it go? But you still felt something, so in the spirit of self-preservation, you just decide to stay away from that restaurant (and hope that no one else with a peanut allergy eats there after you).

So now you are avoiding the restaurant... what's next? Well, you starting thinking maybe it is the type of restaurant, not just that specific one. You start avoiding certain foods that you think have a higher possibility of peanuts, you start changing your lifestyle to try to make sure that you don't have to experience the pain of your allergy.

Meanwhile, you watch everyone without a peanut allergy trying all sorts of things you would never even dream of trying. So now you are stuck in a position where, for no reason other than something you were born with, you are afraid to taste certain foods, even if that fear is misattributed to uncooked chicken. And even worse, every time you feel the possible effects of your allergy (because it is impossible to completely avoid), you can never be sure if it was because of your allergy or because of something else.

In this example, food is to peanuts what everything is to racism. Meaning, you're not just worried about one specific part of your life, racism can effect everything. It can be a school application, a job opportunity, the ability to build a clock or even your presence in a store. Hell, it could be your ability to be served food.

I will say upfront that I don't think most people are outright racist, but I do think that racial bias is a spectrum that most people sit on. People might not even know they are leaning one way vs. another because of racial bias, but they very well might be. And if they don't even know, how would you?

This. This is my curiosity. This is my wonder. To me, it is the knowledge that something exists that could be negatively affecting me that persistently gnaws away. It is a depressing, demoralizing reality. And when I let it, it had the ability to consume the way I thought. That is my struggle.

And much like life, those struggling feelings ebb and flow, fading from when I feel "safe" from racism, and then immediately reemerging the second I might have experienced racism.

This is the point of the story where I wish I had a solution for you. This is the point of the story when I wish I could say that I can protect you from this. But the harsh reality is that it will likely be a struggle that you also feel.

My advice is knowing that while this struggle can consume your thoughts in the worst way possible, it doesn't have to. My current approach is to assume the best of people, assuming that I am not a victim of racism until proven otherwise. I tell myself I'm not a victim even when I know probably am. To me, the second that I let the possibility and fear of racism dictate my life experience, they have won, and the hell I am going to let that happen. In the most serious way possible, whenever I think about this subject, I always end up in a place where I am basically having a Braveheart moment.

The last thing I will say is that the moment that questionable racism turns into overt racism, the game changes. At that point, fight back in the most appropriate way possible. I'll help.