Redefine winning

"In order to have an alive, joyous life, you have to give up being "right." You must simply be willing to let go of the need to have the point of view that you are right dominate all aspects of your life. This is especially challenging when you are, in fact, correct. But if you have to prove another is wrong, even if you win, you lose. Something inside you is less alive"

A while back, I wrote about the importance of understanding you can be wrong. I want to further expand on that idea to show that, contrary to what we are taught, being "right" doesn't always correlate with "winning."

This is pretty counter-intuitive as early on in our lives we watch people debate, we learn to debate, and we are instilled with the idea that within debates, there are winners and losers.  Winning is defined as being right and proving your point; losing is defined as conceding.

I will admit, a lot of times, this is probably going to hold true -- but the reason it holds true is because what you would concede would go against your beliefs, values, or ideas. The difference is when being "wrong" doesn't do any of those things, it simply hurts our ego because we don't get to be right.  And the problem with this? Sometimes the only way to prove yourself right is to prove someone else wrong, and when it comes to proving someone else wrong, that has the potential of being hurtful.

Across the board, I would urge you to consider what winning is prior to entering a conversation, debate, or argument.  Put "being right" aside for a second, determine what you want to be the result, and figure out the best way to accomplish that result.  Sometimes the best result is to not bring down another person, and sometimes that requires you saying you are wrong (even if you are not).

Live in the now

"I take it not only a day at a time, but a moment at a time.  If you can be happy right now, then you’ll always be happy, because it’s always in the now."

Willie Nelson

I am hoping this is one of those lessons that you hear and you simply nod and say "of course, dad!" 

The idea is pretty simple -- be mindful and try to live in the now. Learn to appreciate what you currently have. Stop worrying about the past and future and focus on what is right in front of you.  

The two issues?

1. This sounds like it was ripped directly out of a hippy book that had rainbows and butterflies on the next page.

2. Being present is easier said than done.

To be honest, I don't know what I would find if I researched the positive effects of "being present."  I have no idea if it can be substantiated at all.  I can't tell you for sure that "being mindful" is going to make you happy.

I have done my fair share of reading self-help books that focus on happiness.  For all intensive purposes, I was studying it.  Heck, I even attempted to optimize my happiness. What I decided was that while there are many things in life that are not a choice, happiness is.  And more importantly, longstanding happiness (as opposed to instant-gratification), is based on my ability to be satisfied with who I am, where I am, and what I have in the current moment.  

Saying this is one thing, but it took a lot of reflection and a few struggles to actually believe this.  The tipping point for me was understanding what "everything" meant to me in the context of having and possibly losing "everything."

At first, "everything" signified the collective work, fortune and item I had done/owned. I tried to push this perspective to think "what if every material piece that I had acquired, bought or created were gone?"  To me, the idea of this was scary, but even scarier was what that meant for my future.  Because I, of course, was collection those items so that I would be prepared for the future!

I grew up thinking, and for good reason, that at some point you can't continue "yoloing" around. I grew up thinking that I needed to be responsible and plan for my future.

I think this is a tricky message, because of course I needed to plan for my future. But, that need to plan for my "happy future" left me in a state of waiting for the "happy" that I was planning.  I found that there was always something that I wanted to do better, another item I wanted to buy that would make me happy in my future.  And that thought process turned into a "grass is always greener on the other side" mentality. And that is a damaging mentality.  Why? Because it made my present not good enough. The line of thinking assumed that if this action or item would make me happy in the future, then I must not be happy in the moment.

And that's when I started reflecting and decided there was no reason I can't be happy with exactly what I have.  I didn't have to change anything besides my mindset.  I had to choose to be happy.

Now let me be clear, it is healthy to have goals and aspirations. It is natural to have regrets and remorse for things past. My point isn't to give those up.  Hell, I would be impressed if you even could.  My point is to say that this "being present" thing is achievable for anyone, but it is also extremely difficult for everyone.

There is a reason why "being present" feels like something only the Dalai Lama can achieve.  Many people say they want to "be present" but why do so many people struggle to do it? Choosing to be happy is the easy part, what is hard is to be content in the moment, especially when your current moment is the least demanding of your attention.

For every subtle "be present" reminder that life sends your way, it sends a knock-you-on-your-butt, in-your-face, seemingly impossible to resist gravitational pull that drags you back to your thoughts and actions that focus on the past and future.  

My advise to you is to recognize what your subtle reminders are and take the time when they happen. For me, it is seeing a beautiful sunset. I know it's corny, but sunsets absolutely amaze me.  Very few other things put me in a sense of awe and because of this, sunsets have the ability to remind me to pause for a moment.  And I'll admit many times, even in the face of these reminders, I still can't pull away. It will be a struggle, but most of the best things in life are.

Find your sunset (or make your own!). Purposely take the time to be present because the only person that will ever make that time is you.  Choose happiness.

Make your own opinions

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

Buddha

Everyone has an opinion, and most people are going to share their opinions with you.  This whole blog is meant for you to hear my experiences, my beliefs, what I have learned.  However, I purposely try to leave things open to your interpretation, trying not to prescribe a point of view for you, rather providing you perspectives to inform how you think of the world.

I have tried to live my life with openness to what anyone has to say.  As I wrote about in this post, whether or not I agree with it, or even if I wholeheartedly disagree with it, I want to hear what they have to say.

I want to take this idea one step further, to talk about the need to think deeply and intentionally when you are forming your opinions.  From the day you were born you will have myself and mom shaping your life, and by the time you read this, you will have come across thousands of personalities that can and possibly will have shaped the way you see the world.  My ask to you: Question me. Question mom.  Question yourself. Question everything and everyone.

Why? Because many people will tell you what they believe but few will tell you why they believe it and even more importantly, how they came to believe it.  Peel back the layers of that onion. Understand what drove people to think the way they do.  Sometimes you will find  extensively thought-out rationale or deep life-changing experiences.  Sometimes you will find agendas or possibly absolutely nothing.

Question everything. Ask the hard questions.  Have the deep conversations. Set aside time in your life to take it all in and think.  Revisit your conclusions as you continue to experience new things.  Never allow yourself to blindly believe something. Ultimately it is on you to understand and evaluate why you believe what you believe as those beliefs will shape your entire life.

I will end this with a something that I hope will never be the case for you, but was for me.   It is important to have someone in your life that will serve as a sounding board for you to think through some of life's questions -- illuminating where we might not have as good of an understanding as we might hope and without giving advice when we aren't seeking advice.  I probably had people throughout my life that could help me with this but sometimes thinking through things are just so personal that I was afraid someone would judge me, think differently of me, or something worse -- and as a result sometimes felt like I was on my own to figure life out.  Until I met your mom, I don't think I was ever truly comfortable really talking through my true beliefs and feelings and her being that for me is one of the many reasons that I love her.  

But I want you to know, if you ever need someone to simply listen to and help you think through some of life's tougher questions, know that you are never alone to figure out this crazy world by yourself.  I am here for you and always will be.