Redefine winning

"In order to have an alive, joyous life, you have to give up being "right." You must simply be willing to let go of the need to have the point of view that you are right dominate all aspects of your life. This is especially challenging when you are, in fact, correct. But if you have to prove another is wrong, even if you win, you lose. Something inside you is less alive"

A while back, I wrote about the importance of understanding you can be wrong. I want to further expand on that idea to show that, contrary to what we are taught, being "right" doesn't always correlate with "winning."

This is pretty counter-intuitive as early on in our lives we watch people debate, we learn to debate, and we are instilled with the idea that within debates, there are winners and losers.  Winning is defined as being right and proving your point; losing is defined as conceding.

I will admit, a lot of times, this is probably going to hold true -- but the reason it holds true is because what you would concede would go against your beliefs, values, or ideas. The difference is when being "wrong" doesn't do any of those things, it simply hurts our ego because we don't get to be right.  And the problem with this? Sometimes the only way to prove yourself right is to prove someone else wrong, and when it comes to proving someone else wrong, that has the potential of being hurtful.

Across the board, I would urge you to consider what winning is prior to entering a conversation, debate, or argument.  Put "being right" aside for a second, determine what you want to be the result, and figure out the best way to accomplish that result.  Sometimes the best result is to not bring down another person, and sometimes that requires you saying you are wrong (even if you are not).

Make your own opinions

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

Buddha

Everyone has an opinion, and most people are going to share their opinions with you.  This whole blog is meant for you to hear my experiences, my beliefs, what I have learned.  However, I purposely try to leave things open to your interpretation, trying not to prescribe a point of view for you, rather providing you perspectives to inform how you think of the world.

I have tried to live my life with openness to what anyone has to say.  As I wrote about in this post, whether or not I agree with it, or even if I wholeheartedly disagree with it, I want to hear what they have to say.

I want to take this idea one step further, to talk about the need to think deeply and intentionally when you are forming your opinions.  From the day you were born you will have myself and mom shaping your life, and by the time you read this, you will have come across thousands of personalities that can and possibly will have shaped the way you see the world.  My ask to you: Question me. Question mom.  Question yourself. Question everything and everyone.

Why? Because many people will tell you what they believe but few will tell you why they believe it and even more importantly, how they came to believe it.  Peel back the layers of that onion. Understand what drove people to think the way they do.  Sometimes you will find  extensively thought-out rationale or deep life-changing experiences.  Sometimes you will find agendas or possibly absolutely nothing.

Question everything. Ask the hard questions.  Have the deep conversations. Set aside time in your life to take it all in and think.  Revisit your conclusions as you continue to experience new things.  Never allow yourself to blindly believe something. Ultimately it is on you to understand and evaluate why you believe what you believe as those beliefs will shape your entire life.

I will end this with a something that I hope will never be the case for you, but was for me.   It is important to have someone in your life that will serve as a sounding board for you to think through some of life's questions -- illuminating where we might not have as good of an understanding as we might hope and without giving advice when we aren't seeking advice.  I probably had people throughout my life that could help me with this but sometimes thinking through things are just so personal that I was afraid someone would judge me, think differently of me, or something worse -- and as a result sometimes felt like I was on my own to figure life out.  Until I met your mom, I don't think I was ever truly comfortable really talking through my true beliefs and feelings and her being that for me is one of the many reasons that I love her.  

But I want you to know, if you ever need someone to simply listen to and help you think through some of life's tougher questions, know that you are never alone to figure out this crazy world by yourself.  I am here for you and always will be.

Take time to enjoy life

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are." 

Bill Watterson

Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most. He responded: 

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived."

Previously, I wrote about the need to live in the now, but I want to write about how we easily get to a point where we aren't in the present.  While related, I do think it is important to understand how we start shifting this way, because once that momentum starts, it is pretty tough to change directions after you have been going down the same path for some time.

This goes beyond stopping to smell the roses; this is going to the florist, buying the roses and really appreciating them.

I recently read an article featuring a terminal brain cancer patient who recently won a marathon.  His advice?

"People shouldn't wait to live until they're told they're dying."

I feel like I read a similar article every couple weeks saying the same exact thing: Stop living in the past and stop living for tomorrow.  Find a way to live in the now.  But the thing I find most interesting are the people that are featured in the articles.

Most have had a big transition in their lives, whether changing jobs, moving geographic locations, mid-life crisis' or in the extreme, diagnosis of cancer.  The point is, there was a forced period in their lives that allowed them to stop and smell the flowers, and when they finally were able to, they realized all that they were missing.

I have always struggled to understand why it is so hard to do, but at times it seems impossible to simply stop and reflect on what is presently going on around me.  There is always something on my to-do list that is demanding my focus. There is always something in my past that I wish I could have done better. There is always an excuse to be busy.

The busy excuse is one that so many people use.  I can't even count the amount of times that when I ask how things are going to a friend or colleague, I get "busy," "everything" or something similar -- and I say similar things.  The response comes without even thinking -- it is as if we all need to be busy. Being busy means that we are important; people need more of our time than we have available; our time is too valuable to waste.  But what does this do?  It never gives us time to stop.  Never gives us time to reflect.  Never gives us time to live in the present because we are already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have been searching for the perfect answer for quite some time, whether it is cherishing the small things, looking into meditation or reading articles and books on the subject.  But the truth? I am making it more complicated than it is.  Every article makes it sound so easy and every response in my bones says "it isn't that simple, it isn't that easy."  But it can be if we just take the time to do it.

Don't wait for a major transition. Don't wait until you have no other choice.  Just stop from time to time and do so intentionally.  Set aside time on your calendar, even if it is just for 5 minutes. Turn off your digital connections.  Take time to appreciate the beauty and wonders that this world has to offer and I promise you will never ask for that time back.