Redefine winning

"In order to have an alive, joyous life, you have to give up being "right." You must simply be willing to let go of the need to have the point of view that you are right dominate all aspects of your life. This is especially challenging when you are, in fact, correct. But if you have to prove another is wrong, even if you win, you lose. Something inside you is less alive"

A while back, I wrote about the importance of understanding you can be wrong. I want to further expand on that idea to show that, contrary to what we are taught, being "right" doesn't always correlate with "winning."

This is pretty counter-intuitive as early on in our lives we watch people debate, we learn to debate, and we are instilled with the idea that within debates, there are winners and losers.  Winning is defined as being right and proving your point; losing is defined as conceding.

I will admit, a lot of times, this is probably going to hold true -- but the reason it holds true is because what you would concede would go against your beliefs, values, or ideas. The difference is when being "wrong" doesn't do any of those things, it simply hurts our ego because we don't get to be right.  And the problem with this? Sometimes the only way to prove yourself right is to prove someone else wrong, and when it comes to proving someone else wrong, that has the potential of being hurtful.

Across the board, I would urge you to consider what winning is prior to entering a conversation, debate, or argument.  Put "being right" aside for a second, determine what you want to be the result, and figure out the best way to accomplish that result.  Sometimes the best result is to not bring down another person, and sometimes that requires you saying you are wrong (even if you are not).

Take time to enjoy life

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are." 

Bill Watterson

Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most. He responded: 

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived."

Previously, I wrote about the need to live in the now, but I want to write about how we easily get to a point where we aren't in the present.  While related, I do think it is important to understand how we start shifting this way, because once that momentum starts, it is pretty tough to change directions after you have been going down the same path for some time.

This goes beyond stopping to smell the roses; this is going to the florist, buying the roses and really appreciating them.

I recently read an article featuring a terminal brain cancer patient who recently won a marathon.  His advice?

"People shouldn't wait to live until they're told they're dying."

I feel like I read a similar article every couple weeks saying the same exact thing: Stop living in the past and stop living for tomorrow.  Find a way to live in the now.  But the thing I find most interesting are the people that are featured in the articles.

Most have had a big transition in their lives, whether changing jobs, moving geographic locations, mid-life crisis' or in the extreme, diagnosis of cancer.  The point is, there was a forced period in their lives that allowed them to stop and smell the flowers, and when they finally were able to, they realized all that they were missing.

I have always struggled to understand why it is so hard to do, but at times it seems impossible to simply stop and reflect on what is presently going on around me.  There is always something on my to-do list that is demanding my focus. There is always something in my past that I wish I could have done better. There is always an excuse to be busy.

The busy excuse is one that so many people use.  I can't even count the amount of times that when I ask how things are going to a friend or colleague, I get "busy," "everything" or something similar -- and I say similar things.  The response comes without even thinking -- it is as if we all need to be busy. Being busy means that we are important; people need more of our time than we have available; our time is too valuable to waste.  But what does this do?  It never gives us time to stop.  Never gives us time to reflect.  Never gives us time to live in the present because we are already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have been searching for the perfect answer for quite some time, whether it is cherishing the small things, looking into meditation or reading articles and books on the subject.  But the truth? I am making it more complicated than it is.  Every article makes it sound so easy and every response in my bones says "it isn't that simple, it isn't that easy."  But it can be if we just take the time to do it.

Don't wait for a major transition. Don't wait until you have no other choice.  Just stop from time to time and do so intentionally.  Set aside time on your calendar, even if it is just for 5 minutes. Turn off your digital connections.  Take time to appreciate the beauty and wonders that this world has to offer and I promise you will never ask for that time back.

Pursuing happiness

"Life is indeed difficult, partly because of the real difficulties we must overcome in order to survive, and partly because of our own innate desire to always do better, to overcome new challenges, to self-actualize. Happiness is experienced largely in striving towards a goal, not in having attained things, because our nature is always to want to go on to the next endeavor."

Albert Ellis, Michael Abrams, Lidia Dengelegi

The premise of this post is based on a quote from the movie The Pursuit of Happyness:

“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?”

Personally, I don’t believe that happiness is something that we can never actually have but I do believe that, however happy we currently are, we can always be happier.

To me, I look at my life as a series of moments. I can consider myself “happy” one moment and 15 minutes later can be crushed, but what makes life great for me is that there is always that pursuit. If someone asked me if I was content with my life, I would say “no” without hesitation. To me, I know there are better things out there; I know there is more than what I have. There is always another perspective to view from, there is always something new I can learn and there is always a future experience that will shape me into a better person.

Everyday I learn things that I don’t enjoy and every day I learn things that I love. Even if it means that I didn’t like a movie or loved a new kind of food, I learned something that I will take forward with me. I wrote about the small things a while back and I will repeat what I said then: they get me through my day. When I learn new things that contribute to who I am and have a better understanding of what I want, it is exciting. They might seem small, but when they all work together, it is quite remarkable the impact they have on your life.
What I have found most challenging is working toward some of my long term goals.

I’m a sports guy, so I am going to use a sports example. In any sport, when a reporter asks an athlete where their mind is and how they feel about their chances at a championship the response is something along the lines of: “Our focus is on the next game, we aren’t looking at the championship right now, 100% of our efforts will be to come out and play our best for the next game.” Obviously, this is the coach speaking through their players, instilling a mindset that will put them in the best possible position to get to a championship one day. Until recently, I always just looked at this as a way for coaches and teams to make sure that they give every last piece of effort they can in each and every game. Essentially, to make sure that no other team can come in and steal a game from them because they were looking down the line. But recently, I think the rationale is a little different. Granted, it is to win that game, but mentally, it is deeper than that.

I have been working at my job for around 2 ½ years now. When I started, it was all about getting promoted.  I knew what I wanted. I knew what I was working for. I knew what it took to get there and I had a time table in my head for when I was going to be promoted. And 2 years later, only 1 month after I had planned from the day that I started (hey, nobody’s perfect!), I received my promotion. In that moment, I was happy.  I was extremely happy.

Momentum and confidence. Before my promotion, this is what I had and this is what coaches are instilling in their players. Every game they win they feel better about themselves, they feel better about the program and they gain a momentum of invincibility and confidence. At work, to me, every project was a game and every time I “won,” it boosted my confidence of what I was capable of, what I could do and what I could take on.  It is amazing what the human body can accomplish with a certain mindset. I live with a chip on my shoulder; I dare you to tell me that I can’t do something. Doubt me and by God, I will prove you wrong. I live for those moments.

Those moments gave me a mental mindset that I could do anything, and with that mindset, I took on projects that I probably never should have touched, cranked out work that pushed me past what I had ever thought was possible and worked so hard that I could barely see the whites of my eyes. And I loved it, honestly. Every time I saw a happy client, every time I saw someone’s eyes light up with the final product, it made it all worth it. It made me want to take on another project; it made me want to raise the bar even further because I could see the pride in the people around me.

I soon realized something though, all of my drive at work, all of my motivation, was used to pursue that time date in an effort to feel the happiness that I felt the day they told me I was being promoted. But what I never realized was, without each one of those projects, without all those “wins,” I am honestly not sure if I would have been able to do all of what I was able to accomplish. If I took a step back, yes, I was happy with my promotion but it was every moment along the way that kept me moving towards it and the little wins that I have had over the past 2 years mean so much to me and shaped how I look at this world. After I was promoted, I was no different a person than the day before I was promoted. I admit that mentally, I am more confident and now I feel like I can accomplish and do even more, but that is just mental – I was always able to do it, all I received was assurance from another person. And while this outside assurance is great and it helped, I didn’t need it. Everything that I am striving for in life is at my own finger tips. I know I am destined for great things and please, I dare you to doubt me.

In the Declaration of Independence, I think Thomas Jefferson knew it is actually the pursuit of happiness that leads us to great things. We all have goals that we want to accomplish in life and we are all at different places along the spectrum of happiness. But know this – no matter how happy you are right now, you can be happier. As you pursue this happiness, make sure that you start to look at the journey that leads you closer because you only have one life and you only have so many moments within that life. Make the most of them, understand how they are what make your dreams possible and how ultimately, that all of these moments of happiness are what allow for you to become everything you want to be.